I think fearless is having fears but jumping anyway. - Taylor Swift
Do you ever feel like stretching? I know, it sounds odd, but do you ever just long the sensation of sprawling out, reaching your limbs out as far as they can extend and absorbing that sensation of being uncomfortable and yet being the most aware of your body you've ever felt?
I've felt a lot like stretching recently.
2018 has been an interesting year for me so far. It's been full of peaks and valleys, highs and lows, and a constant stride for balance between the two. But for the first time in my whole life I feel like I'm suddenly learning how to be myself now more than ever before.
Let me tell you a couple things about myself.
I'm driven. So driven. I have dreams and goals, and a kick ass work ethic. I don't take no for an answer. I work hard and pride the bags under my eyes like they are individual trophies of exhaustion and deprivation. My mind races faster than my typing fingers ever could and when I set a goal I do everything in my power to achieve it. I love that about myself.
But I am also easily heart broken. I take disappointment hard. I set my goals really high and beat myself up when I don't reach them. I overanalyze every loss, every mistake, every word of criticism and heartbreak. I feel those things so hard that the voice in the back of my head saying 'throw in the towel' or 'walk away for awhile' gets louder and I struggle with knowing when enough is enough and when I need to allow myself to recharge.
But let me tell you something really cool about myself.
For the first time ever, I can physically feel myself learning more about myself and it feels a lot like that stretching sensation I was talking about.
I'm a libra. Libras are kind, gentle and lovers of beauty, harmony and peace. However, in their effort to keep everyone happy, they find it difficult to say 'no' to anyone, and as a result, they end up getting stressed. Libras are the scale sign and are constantly striving for balance, which I feel a lot harder lately.
I think something else that I am learning about myself is that for as driven as I am, I'm also struggling with being secure in myself and my capabilities. There are so many great ideas in my head, but too many days I have to self-coach myself into jumping in head first and ignoring the fact that I can fail. I want so much to jump back into the yogi lifestyle, but am afraid of looking unpolished or untalented (and to that I say, get OVER yourself Kylee).
As a perfectionist, I can somehow convince myself that waiting until I'm ready is better than just going after something, because most of these things I'll never be ready for. I just have to do them.
My favorite word in the whole world is 'fearless'. It's been a strong theme in my life thus far, and has been a staple mantra for which I want to live. Sometimes I have to laugh at the candor of it all. Fearless. I want to be fearless, and yet there's this glooming fear of failure that holds me back and it's got to stop because I can feel it holding me back when all I want to do is stretch and grow.
So, while I can't say I will never have a fear again, will not procrastinate in the future, or just simply will become more confident, I can say I'm ready to stretch. I am ready to continue to grow and will do my best to nurture myself the same way I nature all my plant children (yes, that's really what I call them). Because at the end of the day, no one else will do it for me.
10 Ways I Want to Continue to Grow
1. Nourish myself better because I deserve good, healthy foods. Not for how I want to look, but for how I want to feel.
2. Do the things that scare me most with work first thing in the day so I can feel proud and accomplished right off the bat.
3. Continue to learn. Read a new book. Pick up a new hobby. Look into graduate school. Try something new.
4. Go somewhere new at least once a week. A new restaurant, a new event, a new town -- anything to continue to see what else is out there.
5. Write and create everyday. Whether it be a poem, a couple paragraphs in a book, or a blog post. Constantly leave a footprint behind for every day I get to be here.
6. Jump headfirst back into yoga. I want to polish my practice and get into a better headspace. My goal is to add yoga to my routine a minimum of three times a week, and hopefully adding an in-person class once a week.
7. Cross at least three places off my bucket list a year. There's so many places of this earth I want to roam, and I can't do it from home.
8. Continue to become a better person, a better leader, and a better friend. I'll never be perfect, but I can always try to be better.
9. Give myself rest when I need it. When I feel tired, exhausted, and defeated, I want to know that it's okay to take a break without feeling guilty.
10. Be kind to myself. I am doing the best I can.
Sending you love and light.
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3 comments
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