The Importance of Realizing Your Self Worth

By Kylee McGrane - 9:58 AM

"Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even though can’t breathe without them." Taylor Swift

I'm a very ironic person. While I am a perfectionist, I'm an emotional mess. I'm the girl that raises her hand constantly in class that you roll your eyes at. I'm the one who feels guilty for missing a meeting, or practice, or class just because I feel like it is preventing me from being better than I am now. I'm the girl that gives advice to her friends to accept their imperfections and love themselves whole heartedly, but I don't take my own advice. Why? Because I'm the girl that could take five hours out of my weekend to reorganize my closet and end up sitting on the floor with a tshirt pressed to my chest, unable to throw it away because I wore it in ninth grade at the bonfire where I had my first kiss. I skip certain songs on my iPod because they played during high school dances, but I keep them on there just in case I ever need them. I play with my own emotions and string myself along and because of that, I let other people do that to me too.

I would like to tell you that I'm so emotionally and mentally secure about myself that I wake up everyday with a smile on my face ready to face the world and know that I can take on everything and anything. But the truth is, that would be a lie. I don't feel like that and I probably never will. There probably won't be a day when I look in the mirror and don't see a flaw. There will never be a night where I go to bed and don't regret something I said or did or even ate. But what I have started to realize is even if we can't completely control our own thoughts and emotions about ourselves, we can try and really that makes all the difference. And when we do give ourselves self love and value our own being we can reject the way other people treat us when it doesn't meet our standards.

"Truly powerful women don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage those who don’t give it to them." Sherry Argov

Society tells us to be humble. While I do agree with being gracious and kind and wearing your heart on your sleeve I feel like there are limitations. Do we simply allow ourselves to get walked all over by other people simply because we want to be nice? To be honest, I don't think we should. I don't think we should be that person that people use simply because it is convenient and time-effective for them. We shouldn't be the person they call because they know we'll answer, because people like me always will answer. We should be the person they call because they want to, not because they know we'll be there.

“You lost her.

And now she lights up the night-time sky for her new lover cause he recognized her as the moon. And you envy him. She could’ve been your moon, but you were too busy chasing the dimly lit stars.”

—     Zienab Hamdan - Admit it, you messed up.

I've been that girl and I can't tell you how tired I am of it. Just like that bonfire shirt that still makes me smell October and embers, I give people space in my closet just because I would feel bad if I didn't despite the fact that it just doesn't fit anymore. I feel guilty about walking away because I never felt like I had been enough to chase after. And to be honest, I am so tired of feeling that way. It's exhausting to put so much energy into people who only drain you. I'm tired of putting people who treat me like I am replaceable and insignificant above myself. Because I'm not someone you can call when it's convenient. I don't want to be the person someone turns to when their words are slurred, I want to be the one they call as soon as they wake up because in their earliest moments of a new dawn they were thinking about me. I don't want to be someone's drunk text. I want to be their 4:30 am text when they wake up from a dream that I was in and they just had to tell me about it at that very moment.

"You are cuter than anyone who has ever hurt you."Anonymous

People always say that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Time and time again, I've seen this displayed in my life for me and other people. When you simply become someone's doormat, it is easy to feel lost and disrespected. It takes standing up for yourselves and saying how you feel and what you want in order to get respect. Of course, you could go about this two ways. Scenario one: you make a big scene and scream and cry and yell and pour all of that frustration out to the person and end up looking completely and entirely psychotic. Scenario two: you simply fade from the person's life quietly, leaving a gaping hole that they themselves will have to mend when they realize what they lost (for some reason I imagine this scenario to be in black and white and in slow motion.) Also, to spice things up a bit, you can write a blog post about this transcendence which might also be seen as psychotic but is ultimately therapeutic. Um, hello, I am an English major. But I promise you (and me), that this quiet leave will make missing you that much more powerful for the person because it's the kind of sadness that leaves you reminiscing while you look out of windows. It's the kind of loneliness you feel when you see their clothing in your room or see them across a crowded place. It's the frustration and confusion that overwhelms you when you're laying in bed at night but all you can think about is where you went wrong. It's not an angry, screaming, entirely immature and dramatic scene. It's quietly suffocating and painful without being right in front of you. It's literally feeling a person that you had in the palm of your hand slip between your fingers and knowing that you could've stopped it.
Of course, as much as I say this, it's going to be extremely difficult to do this slipping. I will always be that girl who feels guilty when they don't respond to a text message. I will always hurt a little bit inside when I avoid eye contact and bite my tongue because I want to say something. I will always be the girl that needs a couple minutes in the morning to take a deep breath and tell myself that I deserve more than I think I do. And you do too. But lately I've learned that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel like you're alone, whether it be your significant other or your best friend. Being around someone who makes you feel like you're not enough is never going to be rewarding and I understand that feeling. And you will feel lonely for awhile. You'll feel like you just came in from a long night out for a long time. You'll feel the same way that you do when you're standing alone at a place that used to hold so much promise but when the lights turn on you realize it's just a dirty, smoky restaurant. You'll feel the way you do at 2:30 when people are heading home in pairs and you realize how many shots of tequila you’ve taken and even though you know there are seven billion people in the world, you could swear to God that no one could possibly feel as lonely as you do at that very moment.

But one day you're going to wake up and you're going to like the way your eyes look blue from straight on and green when you turn to the side. You're going to appreciate that dimple on your left cheek and the dozens of freckles on your nose. You're going to love the extra fluff on your hips and your butt. And when you stop focusing on the people in your life who  don't value these things and you start focusing on loving them yourself is when you'll find true happiness simply by realizing your own self worth. Suddenly, you won't need someone to kiss your bruises and mend your brokenness, because you will have done it on your own.

Infinite x's and o's,


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