I Don't Want You to Make Me Feel Bad About Me

By Kylee McGrane - 2:52 PM

You know that girl you're jealous of? The one that's really smart. The one that's super skinny. The one with perfect hair. The one with the long legs. The girl with the awesome relationship. The one with a ton of friends. The girl you see in the school gym. The girl on Instagram. His ex girlfriend. The girl on the ad on the bus. Your best friend. You know, that girl.

That girl that you, to some degree, are obsessed with. The holder of the instagram account you guiltily stalk for way longer than you should. The one who you google searched (yikes). The one you look at while they're working out because you just don't get how they're that perfect. Maybe she's a celebrity. Maybe she's not. Either way, you're jealous of her and she makes you feel bad about you.

Maybe she's really nice to you and you love her as a person. Maybe you don't know her at all. But there's something about her- the way she looks or acts or talks that you wish you had. You don't have any bad feelings towards her, because they'd  be completely unwarranted. But there's some kind of green envy that slips through you and makes you not like her because she makes you not like you.

She makes you uncomfortable. She makes you second guess yourself. She makes you feel self conscious and ugly and dumb. She makes you insecure. And it's frustrating because that's not you. But for some reason, girls are programmed with the idea that only one of us can be the prettiest and if you're not it, then you're nothing. I can't even begin to tell you how sick I am of that feeling.

Maybe I'm alone on this one, but I kinda don't think I am. I think in our society, far too often, girls feel like they are in constant competition with one another where our weapons are dangerous disorders and self deprecation. Gone are the days of a girl excelling in one aspect of life, now we all want to succeed in everything all the time. And when we don't succeed, we're getting a constant reminder of those that do via social media.

Maybe she just got that bag you wanted before you could. Maybe she has a relationship that looks like it's perfect when you've been single for longer than you can remember. Maybe she had him before you did, and it makes you feel uneasy and uncomfortable and unsure. Maybe she's the size of the girls you want to be. Maybe she's a great athlete, an amazing singer, a dedicated volunteer. Maybe she travels to places you dream of. Maybe you're not sure why she makes you feel like you're not good enough. Maybe she doesn't even know she's doing it. But you feel it and once that insecurity creeps in it's hard for it to leave.

I certainly don't want to generalize how people feel and what's fact, but personally I think that this is a feeling that is primarily felt by girls. Of course, guys can feel insecure and vulnerable, but in our society the bond of brotherhood seems a lot more prevalent than sisterhood. Often, girls are pinned against each other in competitions that every girl feels but no one really asks for. It's a subconscious struggle of mascara and dieting pills and striving to be better than the other. It's a competition of likes and names in little black books where the number on the scale or the bag on your arm is a figment trophy of self worth. It's a feeling that I don't like feeling and I definitely did not ask for.

So what do we do? Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out. I know that the girl that posted the picture of her in a little bikini on spring break that looked SO annoyingly hot didn't post it to make me jealous, but it still did. I know the girl with the boyfriend in a perfect relationship isn't holding his hand to spite me. I know. I get that. It's not all about me. But that doesn't mean it doesn't affect me.

So right now, I'm in a slump where every where I turn I seem to see an image of something I want but can't have. So what am I going to do? I'm going to give myself the night off. I'm going to light a couple candles and lay in bed and paint my nails and watch a movie. Maybe I'll hang out with my best friend. Maybe I'll talk to someone who makes me really happy. Whatever this slump is, I'm going to let it run it's course. Then in a couple days, I'm gonna pick myself up and dust myself off. And when that happens I'm gonna reorganize and start eating a little better and start working out again. Oh, yea, and I'm gonna tell that girl she looks really good today because maybe in some parallel universe she's going through the same thing and maybe girls should be nice to each other.

infinite x's and o's,

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